Update: I am FULLY FUNDED for my trip!!!! God is so good, He continually blesses me and answers my prayers in ways bigger than I even hoped for. Thank you everyone for your blessings financially, and more importantly--blessing me and this trip through your prayers.
So, from here on out my blog will be a word-vomit of how this trip is challenging me, impacting stories of people I've met, and experiences in Honduras. So this first post is a totally raw & honest look into my heart and what's been going on the past week.
Yesterday started the one month countdown to when I will be stepping off a plane onto Honduran soil in San Pedro Sula; one of the most dangerous cities in the world, on November 5th. And this past week I've been struggling with one thing in particular--fear.
Fear of change. Of what God has in store for me there. Fear of how much God is going to break me in order to mold me into the woman he desires me to be. Fear of leaving my friends and family, not just for 6 weeks...but when I return back to Bend in mid-December, right after the holidays I move to Portland for a whole new chapter of my life.
Fear of my heart breaking for the boys I will be teaching and mentoring in Balfate--each with an equally heartbreaking childhood and struggles and hurts in their lives. Will I be able to bond with them? Will they like me? Will my Spanish be good enough to become close with them? Will I even be able to teach them English, I'm not a teacher...I'm a nursing student.
Will I be okay traveling alone in one of the most dangerous countries in the world? Once I become involved in the community there, will I love it so much I won't want to come home...and then go through that heartbreak all over again?
But today I skyped with one of my best friends, Emilie Geis, and she spoke truth over me and reminded me that I'm not alone in any of this. And I don't need to be "qualified enough" to serve God in the plans He has for me. I am enough because the Holy Spirit is inside me and God promises that he will never leave me. And how could I forget one of the verses I hold nearest to my heart?? John 14:12...
"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these..."
God has big things planned for this trip. Things I couldn't ever expect or imagine. And I think that's why I've been plagued by fear and worry this past week. Satan knows that God is going to use me in big ways and wants to do everything possible to break me down and for me to buy into these lies and doubts. But the devil has no power, and I've been feeling so attacked because whatever is waiting for me in Honduras is BIG. So big, that the enemy has gone all-out to keep me from seeking after truth and remembering how huge and sovereign and unfailing my God is.
Even as I remember this, I do still have a feeling of anxiety about leaving Bend. As much as my heart longs to be in Honduras already, I have nothing but praise and thankfulness for how blessed I have been in Bend these past few years. The family and friends I have grown closer to are amazing and I will miss them while I'm away, but even more once I am permanently moved to Portland for the next 5 years starting in January. And I think that's why I'm scared. Not for missing them while I'm in Honduras, but because going to Honduras is the first step in this new journey of following after the huge prayers God has answered for me: going back to Balfate, going to my dream school, and having a job after graduation. The Lord has provided me with my hearts desires just like He always said He would, and now it's time to accept these blessings and live in the center of His will--right where I'm created to be.
My God is bigger than any fear or doubt. Bigger than anything I feel I'm not qualified to do. Bigger than any change; big or small. Bigger than any confusion. Bigger than any danger. Bigger than anything the enemy could ever throw my way. And He's bigger than ALL of my shortcomings and imperfections.
I've been reading the devotional book "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. If you haven't checked it out, i HIGHLY recommend it!! Definitely my favorite devotional of all time. And today's reading was exactly what I needed. 1 Peter 5:6-7...
"6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18...
"16 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."
God's will for me right now is to remember to TRUST Him.
I know He has blessings and experiences that will help me grow waiting for me. And I look forward to the changes and challenges. And my heart is SO full of love for the boys in Balfate that I get to meet in only a few weeks!!
The song "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman was a song that our Father really spoke to me through during my last time in Honduras. Whenever I hear this song, it's like I'm taken back to the chapel in Balfate and I'm breathing in the humid air again and there's rain pouring down outside through the palm leaves. And I'm tired, sweaty, but feel whole because I know I'm exactly where I should be--in the center of God's will for me.
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